Desolation

by PORTALS

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credits

released April 12, 2019

Written and Recorded by James McHenry
Lyrics by Aris Hess
Mixed & Mastered by James McHenry
Guitars Re-Amped by Scott McGinnis
Artwork by Caelan Stokkermans Arts

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Track Name: With You Removed
Standing at the gravesite of everything that had shaped me as a person, as a human being.
A soliloquy for who I used to be.
Everything I had come to know was just manipulation of a fragile soul.
Your hands guided the strings in an eloquent display of artistry.
But then you cast your stones.
Left me for the wolves, empty and alone.
The shattered fragments of what remain glisten with the dance of a burning flame.
Nothing to stand for, nothing to prove.
Baptized by fire, born again, but with you removed.
Track Name: Scorched Earth
I cannot say I lost my faith, I just put my faith in nothing.
No longer following what is unseen, blindly adhering to your false beliefs.
Stuck searching for something to make me feel whole, I’m begging and pleading for just a sign of hope.
There was never hope.
I watched my world go up in smoke, as you laid waste to everything that I had known.
I felt it in my core.
Something terrible was born.
It began to rise from the anguish that you brought forth.
Hate tightens its grasp upon my being, molding me into something that I never thought I’d be.
Claws dig into the wounds that you made.
Bring forth destruction, kill your faith.
Cleanse this Earth of all of this false hope that it’s been given.
Cauterize the fester of the wound that’s been inflicted.
Proudly bearing scars of the pain I once endured, no longer bound by promises that hold no worth.
Oh, how the tables turn.
I found new strength in what I can see.
To shed your faith is to truly believe.
Your fables hold no worth.
Scorched fucking Earth.
Burn.
I never thought that it would be this way.
I never thought that there would be a way for me to finally escape.
I’m breaking free of your chains.
Track Name: Burdened
Nothing feels right.
I'm always constantly searching for a reason to stay alive.
Time after time,
the depression grabs a hold of me and carves me with a fucking knife.
Things will never change, I've always been this way.
I'm just a byproduct of young life gone to waste.
Things will never change, I’ve always been this way.
I'm just a dead man walking.
You fucking coward.
Eternal suffering, forever pained.
Why do I always have to feel this way?
Every day just feels the same,
Always searching for a feeling that I will never regain.
I've spent my life wallowing in misery.
Washed up, lifeless, drowning in my apathy.
Years have been spent building up a hardened shell,
fighting losing battles, and yet still, no one can ever tell.
This is Hell.
I am just a fucking waste.
Dead to a world that never cared for me.
A soulless being.
I never feel a thing.
Dead to a world, a world that never fucking cared for me.
Disassociation. The burden of a heavy mind.
Decomposing while my body still stays alive.
Rotting away. Still staying the same.
I'm just counting down the minutes 'til I reach my final day.
Just fucking end it all.
Withering into nothing as
my mind slips into a haze.
Misery develops into twisted senses of normality,
and I could use the company,
but some things never change.
Forever burdened.
Forever drained.
Track Name: Fate
I’m so tired, so uninspired.
I just cannot feel a thing and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
The apathy is getting the best of me.
I grow more weary every passing day.
I need to find my strength, I need to make a change, but I just don’t care anymore.
I don’t know what I have in store for me.
I just feel like I’m useless, inflicted by disease.
I want to die, I want to feel alive, but I just can’t shake this feeling that is stuck inside my mind.
They used to always tell me just to give it some time, now I’m twelve years fucking deep into pretending that I’m fine.
Death is just a black hole drawing closer every day.
I’m compromised by irrational thoughts inside my brain.
I feel as if I am slowly rotting away, but I’ve embraced my fate.
This world was made for the righteous.
This world was not made for me.
I just want to fucking feel.
I just want to feel.
I just want to feel like I am worth something to you.
End the pain.
Track Name: Persistence
Day after day, the thoughts never change, how I’d be better off under the ground than here anyway.
“Just put on a face, pretend it’s okay.”
I never understood how people thought that way.
Living every day without some mask to convey that there isn’t something deep inside of them they want to escape.
They would say “just pray the pain away,” yet what’s lurking deep inside will not be swayed by grace.
The mask I fabricate, the portrayal of an actor, a silent masquerade.
You’ll find the truth in a decaying husk.
A pestilence upon me, grinding bone into dust.
I just feel like a fake.
These thoughts, I will never escape.
Deteriorate in my mental state.
However far I get dragged down, something inside me keeps me around.
I’m stuck begging that the nightmare ends, but every moment spent awake is wasted in my head.
Apathy took its toll on me, and continued to fuel this misery.
The only outcomes that I can see end with me collapsing or just bursting at the seams.
I still persist.
Persistence without purpose is meaningless.
The descent is everlasting.
Spiraling downward to my own demise.
Caving in, wearing thin, stretched out to infinity, until I cease to exist.
I will either escape this void or die trying.
Foresight aside, I’ll continue to fight.
My fate was never set in stone, and my burdens are mine.
All mine, all alone.
I will persist.
I will persist.
I will always persist.
Against my wishes, I will put on the face.
Put on the face.
I will put on the face.
Please try to listen.
I am just a fake.
Such a fake.
I have always been this way.
Always just a fake.
Track Name: Desolation
After all of this time, I still can’t say that I’m fine,
I’m still searching for security inside my clouded mind.
You’ve made your mistakes, I know I’ve made mine, but I just wanted an apology for years of wasted time.
For the tongue is a fire, and I was set ablaze by the ignorance and arrogance that you displayed.
You fed me lies.
Looked into my eyes, told me that Hell awaited me for how I lived my life.
Your words cut deeper than a spear to the rib.
With time, I’m hoping I can learn to forgive.
I just can’t forget the things that you said.
How all of these years later, you’re still stuck inside my head.
You dug deep, unearthing feelings foreign to me.
The edges fell away with the strike of your spade.
Unrelenting, the emptiness is all that remains.
Every lash of your tongue dug my grave.
I won’t let you bury me.
I just wanted you to see that the consequences of your actions left impressions I won’t forget.
Lasting reminders of time spent wasted.
It’s bittersweet to know that you created me.
You were the catalyst to my suffering.
I hope that Heaven is real, so you can finally understand how it feels to watch something that you once loved go up in smoke.
To feel the desolation in the absence of hope.
I hope you watch me burn.
I hope the salt stings your eyes.
Watching down from above as you listen to my cries.
I hope you watch me burn.

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